Complaining Customer

I went to the sports centre on Thursday night to play badminton and short tennis with Network, and apparently managed to enrage the woman on the next court. her complaining was priceless:

Woman- "Excuse me, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop playing short tennis on that court, you're disrupting us and it frankly isn't safe."

Me- "Oh I'm really sorry, we'll be more careful with our serves in future, would it help if we swapped sides?"

Woman- "No, I'd prefer it if you stopped completely. That ball you're using is unsafe."

Me- "Well, it is safe really, it is a soft ball..."

Woman- "Look, if you're going to be like that, I shall have to complain to the centre manager."

Me- "I've actually already spoken to him, he told us it was OK to use it."

Woman- "Oh dear, well that is disappointing... I think that's a bad reflection on the staff, don't you?"

Me (in a moment of brilliance)- "I AM a member of staff at this centre."

Woman- "Well... I... Can you just stop playing?"

I finally agreed to do so, but when I went back to play badminton instead, it turned out the whole thing was so her children could play on my court for free... That didn't go down well...

Finally...

Finally, an intelligent response to the movement of history towards an "Our Island Story", boy's own-esque version of the subject:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/aug/26/history-compulsory-right-reasons

It's just a pity there's no decent suggestion of what to replace it with... Any ideas?

What If... Ramsay MacDonald Refused to Serve?

The setting is January 1924. King George V has just sent a messenger to the Labour Party, asking them if they will form the next government, following the inconclusive election of December 1923. For the first time ever, a socialist party in Britain has come within sight of power. Yet at the last possible second, Labour blinked. Senior figures within the party couldn't agree on whether or not to take power, or if they did whether or not to try and implement a radical socialist agenda. MacDonald, unwilling to commit political suicide by leading a weak minority government, declined.

While it hardly seemed it at the time, this decision put an end to the meteoric rise of Labour as the new force in British politics. For it allowed the return of veteran Liberal Herbert Asquith to the premiership, and although his government only lasted 10 months, the symbolism was clear. The Liberals were the only real alternative to the Conservatives, and Labour didn't have the stomach for office. In the October 1924 election, Labour were pushed into third place, with the Liberals gaining seats and votes despite losing overall.

By relegating Labour to third place, the Liberal party was saved when many thought it had teetered on the brink of collapse. Instead it went on to boast many of the great political men of the twentieth century. The landslides of Archibald Sinclair and Jo Grimmond in 1945, 1950 and 1955 ushered in the public health insurance and decent welfare programme which remains the envy of the world, while Harold Wilson in the 1960s presided over a series of groundbreaking social reforms. However, his inability to tame the trade unions would cost him the premiership in 1969. Perhaps the most fondly remembered Liberal PM of them all, Michael Foot, was one of the greatest orators of his generation, while his successor David Steel was the youngest Prime Minister of the century. Paddy Ashdown and Anthony Blair in the 1990s and 2000s kept Britain on a staunchly pro-European foreign policy line, most notably by bringing in the Euro and distancing the UK from the United States.

But it wasn't just Prime Ministers the Liberal Party threw up. Other great men were Anthony Benn, Chancellor in the 1970s and pioneer of the co-operatives which dominate British industry, while David Owen will be remembered as one of the more colourful Health Secretaries in recent times. Shirley Williams is also held dear in the public mind, although her leadership of the party in the early 1980s was not its most successful phase. And the appearance of the Chancellor Charles Kennedy on Have I Got News For You as guest host meant that the criticisms over his Budgets never really stuck. However it produced its fair share of bores too; Paddy Ashdown drifting off during the 1991 conference speech by his Welfare Secretary John Major is the stuff of political comedy.

The survival of the Liberal Party also had a profound impact on the Conservatives. Headed as they were by an ex-Liberal in Winston Churchill, the party stuck to a broadly liberal agenda in order not to frighten voters, with leaders such as Rab Butler, Iain Macleod and Reginald Maudling being from the left of the party. At times the free market wing of the party did try and take over, such as when Enoch Powell ran to be leader in 1970 following the death of Macleod, only losing narrowly. However, the Powellites were never all powerful, and in 1983 the victorious Prime Minister Francis Pym dealt with their new figurehead, his firebrand Industry Secretary Margaret Thatcher, sacking her from Cabinet. Not until her protege William Hague became leader in 2004 would the Conservatives veer to the right again.

As for Labour, it entered a long period on the fringes of British politics, providing a useful home for those who were too socialist for the Liberals, or those who had risen from the very bottom of British society into politics. From time to time they managed to have some influence, such as during the Wartime Coalition, or when Denis Healey helped to prop up the minority government of David Steel in the mid 1970s. However, the 1980s and 1990s saw the party undergo a mini-revival, with Jack Straw, David Davis and then David Miliband increasing the number of MPs on a radical democratic socialist agenda. Under Miliband, the party came to play a central role in politics following the defeat of Hague's government in the 2011 election, when he became Deputy Prime Minister to Prime Minister Nick Clegg in the Lib-Lab pact. However, Clegg has made it clear some Labour measures are beyond the pale; "There can be no question of nationalising the hospitals, people are happy with the Health Assistance Service as it is" he maintained.

P.S. Prime Ministers, 1924-2011

1924- Herbert Asquith (Lib)

1924-1929- Stanley Baldwin (Con)

1929-1931- David Lloyd George (Lib)

1931-1935- David Lloyd George (Nat Lib)

1935-1938- Stanley Baldwin (Nat Con)

1938-1940- Neville Chamberlain (Nat Con)

1940-1945- Winston Churchill (Coal Con)

1945-1952- Archibald Sinclair (Lib)

1952-1959- Jo Grimond (Lib)

1959-1964- Rab Butler (Con)

1964-1969- Harold Wilson (Lib)

1969-1970- Iain Macleod (Con)

1970-1973- Reginald Maudling (Con)

1973-1976- Michael Foot (Lib)

1976-1978- David Steel (Lib, with Lab support)

1978-1985- Francis Pym (Con)

1985-1991- Michael Heseltine (Con)

1991-1999- Paddy Ashdown (Lib)

1999-2007- Anthony Blair (Lib)

2007-2011- William Hague (Con)

2011- Nick Clegg (Lib-Lab Coal)

P.P.S. Labour Leaders, 1924-2011

1924-1929- Ramsay MacDonald

1929-1935- Arthur Henderson

1935-1946- Clement Attlee

1946-1955- Herbert Morrison

1955-1963- Hugh Gaitskell

1963-1969- George Brown

1969-1978- Denis Healey

1978-1984- Stan Orme

1984-1991- Neil Kinnock

1991-1999- Jack Straw

1999-2008- David Davis

2008-2011- David Miliband

GP's Receptionists

A genuine exchange over the phone between me and my GP's surgery:

Operator: Can you confirm your name, date of birth and first line of your address please?

Me: Details here...

O: Ok Mr Murphy, what can we do for you?

M: Can I have an appointment with Dr Heatley please?

O: Oh, dear, um, you're only down as a temporary resident on the screen, you'll need to come in and fill out a form so we can put you back on the screen.

M: Um... ok... didn't you say I was on the screen?

O: Yes, but you're not there as well.

I appear to be suffering an existential crisis...

What If... The IRA Were Lucky the Second Time?

It is still an event which invokes a great deal of emotion. The images of Number 10 Downing Street reduced to rubble are chilling even today, as one by one the bodies were stretchered down one of the most famous streets in the world. On 7th February 1991, John Major, barely three months into his premiership, held a meeting of his war Cabinet to discuss the situation in the Persian Gulf. As the meeting was breaking up, three mortar bombs, fired by the IRA from a van parked a few streets away, ploughed into the building, killing scores of people. In its triumphal statement, the IRA boasted "Today was our lucky day, today the luck of Britain ran out."

John Major became only the second ever Prime Minister to be assassinated, cutting short his life and creating one of the greatest 'What Ifs' of modern British politics. There have been those who argue that, under Major's leadership, the Conservative Party would not have been as divided as it proved to be in the 1990s, possibly avoiding such a heavy defeat at the hands of Labour in 1995. But since he was Prime Minister for so little time, we simply cannot be sure how he would have fared.

Also dead were his Chancellor of the Exchequer, Norman Lamont, as well as the Defence Secretary, the Energy Secretary and the Attorney General. The Foreign Secretary, Trade and Industry Secretary and the Chief Secretary to the Treasury were all badly injured. Ken Baker, the Home Secretary, stepped in as acting Prime Minister.

The incident shook British public life, especially as British troops prepared to go to war in the Gulf. For the Conservative Party, the most pressing issue was to choose a new leader, the third in four months. Despite calls from some zealous backbenchers, there was little appetite for the return of the recently ousted Margaret Thatcher, who held back from entering the leadership contest. Her arch-enemy, Michael Heseltine, was also out of the question due to the divisive part he had played then. Douglas Hurd, the other participant in the November leadership election, was too badly injured to stand. Instead, Party Chairman Chris Patten stood against the Employment Secretary Michael Howard. Patten won comfortably, and on February 23rd 1991 became Prime Minister.

Patten's first priority was to soothe his traumatised party. The large number of casualties meant a Cabinet reshuffle was inevitable. Patten tried to minimise disruption by keeping as many ministers as possible, or moving people to roles they knew or could easily adapt to. Some new faces appeared, and Lord Whitelaw was persuaded to come out of retirement to act as Party Chairman to help steer the party into the next election; with three Prime Ministers in four months, it was widely felt that an election could not be delayed long.

Policy-wise, Patten and his team got off to a good start. They resisted calls from the Conservative right for a major anti-IRA crackdown, believing that this would simply play into the IRA's hands. Instead, security in Northern Ireland was increased but not excessively, while the Northern Ireland Secretary made a renewed effort to engage the political parties in power sharing talks. Back at home, and to widespread surprise, Patten announced the dropping of the Poll Tax he had introduced while a minister under Thatcher, earning her enmity by saying he'd always hated the idea.

With a new team and fresh ideas energising the party, and a solid British performance in the Gulf War, in September 1991 Patten called an election for the following month. Despite all the opinion polls pointing to a narrow Labour victory or a hung parliament at best, Patten's barnstorming campaign attacking the prospect of higher taxes brought the Tories a record fourth election victory. Despite only clinging onto his Bath seat by 21 votes, nationally the Conservative Party got 14 million votes, another record. However, Britain's First Past the Post system translated this into a vastly reduced overall majority of 15 seats, but no matter; Chris Patten had done it.

Backed by this overwhelming popular mandate, and displaying tough negotiating skills, Patten was able to extract a good deal for Britain in the Maastricht Treaty in the winter of 1991. But from then on in the honeymoon was over and his troubles multiplied. The 1991-95 parliament saw Europe tear the Conservative Party apart, with Patten struggling to get the Maastricht Treaty through Parliament, sacrificing much of his political credibility to do so. Many Tory members were hounded in the press over accusations of sleaze, while in September 1992 Black Wednesday shredded the Tories' claim to economic competence. Despite the new Chancellor, Ken Clarke, presiding over a strong economic recovery from 1993-1995, 16 years of Conservative rule were brought to an end on 1st September 1995, when the youthful new Labour leader Tony Blair secured a crushing 131 seat majority, reducing the Conservatives to a mere 188 seats. In Wales and Scotland the party was reduced to a mere three MPs. One of the high profile losses was Ken Clarke himself, toppled in the much vaunted "Clarke moment" which became the story of the election. Patten immediately resigned as Tory leader, leaving new leader Michael Portillo facing the long climb back to power.

P.S. Conservative Cabinet, February 1991

Prime Minister- Chris Patten

Chancellor of the Exchequer- John MacGregor

Foreign Secretary- Ken Clarke

Home Secretary- Ken Baker

Defence Secretary- Malcom Rifkind

Education Secretary- Michael Heseltine

Health Secretary- Stephen Dorrel

Trade and Industry Secretary- David Hunt

Environment Secretary- William Waldegrave

Transport Secretary- George Young

Employment Secretary- Michael Howard

Social Security Secretary- Gillian Shepard

Energy Secretary- Ian Lang

Scottish Secretary- Michael Forsyth

Welsh Secretary- Douglas Hogg

Northern Ireland Secretary- Peter Brooke

Lord President of the Council and Leader of the House of Commons- Tony Newton

Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster- Lord Whitelaw

Lord Privy Seal and Leader of the House of Lords- Lord Waddington

Lord Chancellor- Lord Mackay

Chief Secretary to the Treasury- Michael Portillo

Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Food- John Gummer

Attorney General- Sir Nicholas Lyell

What If... Edward Had Stayed On?

The recent wedding of William Windsor to Kate Middleton may have caught the world's attention, but here in Britain there is a strong sense of relief that we didn't have to pay for the grand spectacle. As nice as it looked, royal weddings are a luxury we can't afford right now.

Just how close we came to keeping the monarchy is hard to appreciate today. The Abdication Crisis of 1936-37 could easily have left King Edward VIII "The Last" on the throne, or perhaps his younger brother Prince Albert could have been used as a compromise candidate. As it was, Edward's decision to keep the crown and marry his twice-divorced partner Wallis Simpson appalled the country. The resignation of the entire National Government in protest triggered a general election in November 1936. When Parliament reconvened, the Prime Minister, Stanley Baldwin, in cooperation with new Labour leader Clement Attlee, set about driving Edward out. Massive cuts to the Civil List, the nationalisation of the Crown Estates and the expulsion of Edward from the Church of England appalled many Britons, but overall the public blamed Edward for bringing this crisis to a new high. It was the collapse of the King's Party in Parliament, headed by Winston Churchill, which persuaded Edward that he had to go. In August 1937 he announced that was abdicating.

But events had gone too far to allow the House of Windsor to continue. Edward's last act before departing for France was to sign the Commonwealth Bill into law, which vested the monarch's powers in a Lord Protector. The 1937 Constitutional Convention was Baldwin's lasting gift to the new Commonwealth of Great Britain, creating a President of the Commonwealth, with limited powers of approving bills and dissolving parliament. As an interim, senior Conservative peer Lord Halifax was appointed to the role, with presidential elections scheduled to run alongside the next general election.

This would prove to be much further away than anyone anticipated, with the Second World War delaying it until 1945. But it was the War which made the Presidency the low-key, largely ceremonial post that it is today. The wide differences between Halifax and his wartime Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, persuaded Halifax that his role was largely that of a figurehead.

The first presidential election saw Labour's Ernest Bevin sweep into the job, complimenting Labour's landslide in Parliament. Alongside the sweeping welfare reforms, the 1945-51 Labour government did away with the last vestiges of monarchy, replacing the House of Lords with a proportional representation Senate and overhauling the honours system and the coinage. The British Empire was allowed to slowly fade into the Commonwealth of Nations.

This model of one political party winning the presidency and the House of Commons has continued pretty much ever since, with Harold Wilson's battles with President Willie Whitelaw in March-September 1974 being the notable exception. The selling off of the former royal estates was the big idea of the Thatcher-Tebbit administration in the 1980s, while the Blair-Brown partnership showed how the model could survive even personal enmity.

As for the Windsors, Edward's childless marriage meant that his niece, Princess Elizabeth, became the figurehead of the exiled family from 1972. The family retained a reputation for being fashion trendsetters, with the antics of Charlie Windsor providing a source of much amusement for the British tabloids.

There are still occasional calls for the monarchy to be restored, and speculation has grown following the decision of the PM David Cameron to attend the wedding in April. But President Cable has laughed off these suggestions, saying "A system which produces leaders who can be as different as Stalin or Mr Bean is no system for Britain.

What If... Coalitions Were Old News?

As we pass the first anniversary of the Conservative- Liberal Democrat coalition government, it seems laughable that many commentators last May were predicting the deal wouldn't have lasted this long. Given Britain's recent experiences of coalition, it should have been obvious that it was going to work; the example of 1992 should have shown that.

Before recapping why, it is worth imagining a world in which John Major won the general election of April 1992, leading the Conservatives into a fourth term in office. Quite how he would have coped with issues such as European integration, the war in the former Yugoslavia, BSE and the economy will never be known, but after such a long period already in office the Tories would not have been in for an easy ride.

Instead, the election produced a hung parliament, the first elected since February 1974. In his memoirs, In Office But Not In Power, Major blamed his defeat on the refusal of his Cabinet to let him campaign directly on the streets, saying it was beneath a Conservative Prime Minister to do so. Maybe, but with the memory of the poll tax still raw and the recession deepening it is hard to believe that this would have changed much. Meanwhile Labour, beset by accusations over hidden tax rises, dodgy broadcasts and triumphalism, kept its cool. Despite the Sun claiming it could win the election for Major, the television broadcasters made the best guess: the Conservatives took 301 seats to Labour's 298, with the Liberal Democrats on 29 and others on 23.

Haunted by memories of February 74, the Tory high command urged Major not to enter into any talks other parties, instead meeting Parliament and challenging it to bring them down. These vital days gave Labour leader Neil Kinnock time to hammer out a deal with Lib Dem leader Paddy Ashdown. This resulted in the first coalition government since the Second World War; the Lib Dems got six Cabinet seats, with Ashdown as Deputy Prime Minister and Defence Secretary. His main prize was the commitment to a referendum on changing the voting system and fixed four year Parliaments. The anger of many Labour backbenchers likely to lose their seats were bought off with a pure PR House of Lords. Prior to this vote in 1993, Kinnock's devaluation of the pound in response to speculative attacks was widely seen as an unpleasant but necessary step in dealing with the hangover of Thatcherism.

Despite a nail-bitingly close passage through the Common,s the referendum passed the public vote easily, with the hybrid AV+ system being implemented in Westminster elections and for the new devolved assemblies.

A staunchly pro-European foreign policy saw the coalition sign up to the new single currency and commit to UNPROFOR in the former Yugoslavia. At home, the Treasury team of John Smith and Gordon Brown oversaw increased but not excessive public spending to improve services and help pull the economy out of recession. In Northern Ireland, the dynamic and youthful Northern Irish Secretary, Tony Blair, used his charm to broker a historic power-sharing deal between the unionists and the nationalists, helping the province to begin to normalise. With these successes, the electorate saw no reason not to return the coalition in 1996 with a landslide majority. The Tories, nominally led by Ken Clarke but actually riven over the changes, was devastated.

The 2000 election, with Brown and Charles Kennedy now in the driving seats, saw another coalition landslide, but by 2004 the cracks were starting to show. Blair, by now a passionately pro-American Foreign Secretary, had persuaded Brown to back US military action in Iraq over the head of the UN, which was unthinkable for many Lib Dems. Kennedy informed Labour that he and his party could no longer serve in this government, and as a result after the 2004 election Brown found himself heading a minority government. However with the Tories under Iain Duncan Smith still not a coherent force, he got away with it until 2008, when he quit domestic politics to head up the IMF, handing over to Blair. Faced with the worst financial crisis in living memory and a resurgent Conservative Party under David Cameron, Blair's government fell following a dramatic Commons showdown in 2010 and he was forced to call early elections. Despite staving off the expected Tory landslide, Blair was powerless to stop Cameron and new Lib Dem leader, Nick Clegg, creating the first coalition since the Iraq War. It remains to be seen whether Labour, now headed by Blair's protege Alan Milburn, is capable of dealing with being on the other side of a coalition.

P.S. Kinnock-Ashdown Cabinet, 1992

Prime Minister- Neil Kinnock (Labour)

Chancellor of the Exchequer- John Smith (Labour)

Foreign Secretary- Gerald Kaufman (Labour)

Home Secretary- Roy Hattersley (Labour)

Defence Secretary and Deputy PM- Paddy Ashdown (Liberal Democrat)

Education Secretary- Jack Straw (Labour)

Health Secretary- Simon Hughes (Liberal Democrat)

Trade and Industry Secretary- Margaret Beckett (Labour)

Environment Secretary- Martin O'Neill (Labour)

Transport Secretary- John Prescott (Labour)

Employment Secretary-Robin Cook (Labour)

Social Security Secretary- Michael Meacher (Labour)

Energy Secretary- Frank Dobson (Labour)

Scottish Secretary- Jim Wallace (Liberal Democrat)

Welsh Secretary- Barry Jones (Labour)

Northern Ireland Secretary- Tony Blair (Labour)

Lord President of the Council and Leader of the House of Commons- Jack Cunningham (Labour)

Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster- Alan Beith (Liberal Democrat Deputy Leader)

Lord Privy Seal and Leader of the House of Lords- Lord Graham (Labour)

Lord Chancellor- Lord Mischon (Labour)

Chief Secretary to the Treasury- Gordon Brown (Labour)

Minister for Agriculture, Fisheries and Food- David Clark (Labour)

Minister for Political Reform- Robert Maclennan (Liberal Democrat)

Attorney General- Menzies Campbell (Liberal Democrat)